Post

Post

Here it is almost 6 months post ride, and I feel that now is the time for me to sign off with my final post.

(From my dictation of day 12)

It is the Friday after the ride.  As I am trying to figure out why I am in this weird place in a haze, I recognize something my dad told me.  During the training rides, I would hit Zen, a moment and place of pure happiness.  And it was MY moment, and I experienced a lot of Zen on the rides leading up to the big ride.  And those moments were so insanely beautiful.  Days 8 and 9 were a continuation of these Zen moments I felt in training. I was with my friends, Jose; and then Monday, back to reality. A house to clean, bills to pay, a job to go to. And then in reality, I went back to Zen when I saw Jose, Nicole, friends, a hummingbird outside my window. Nicole reminded me this is the love bubble, this is a peaceful place and continuation of the love bubble I felt on the ride. Reality can be stressful and not Zen, but the love bubble can exit within reality.  My dad told me when I came out to him, me being fearful of his reaction, this is my moment.  We are on the side of a snowy hill together, my son told me he is gay after years of me already knowing, and I look at him and love him and have a gay son on the side of a snowy hill.  This is my moment.

In reality, we think of the past and future, but rarely do we live in the moment.  The ride and my father taught me how to live in the moment, be at peace with that. The training rides were those moments of discovering peace and being.  To live fully in that millisecond of reality.  So beautiful.  For seven days, 24 hours each day, I experienced that non stop.  That is overwhelming.  Then to come back to having to live life, I realized I was for the past week.  I lived life.  I morned the loss of being.  I needed to find my way to go through my perception of life, but live it presently and fully.  That is tough to do with deadlines, budgets, jobs, leaking water heaters, etc. I need to incorporate life into life. Bad things will happen, arguments will occur, money issues occur, but I can still be at peace even in the hard times by living in that moment.

I wont mourn the loss of pure Zen. I will celebrate it and learn to accept every moment as my moment.

(today; why was I trying to sound like a prophet :) LOL)

(Continuation of dictation about two hours later, still day 12)

Ah fuck! Still day 12, 13, 14 whatever day this is.  I am singing songs from Falsettos, happy song about where they talk about how great their life is. "Do you know how great my life is? Saving lives and loving you"  Brought tears to my eyes.  I helped to save lives, or if not save, better lives and was engulfed in love and sharing love.  How awesome!

Break

So that was my verbatim dictation of post ride.  It was an odd place right after the ride.  There were moments where I felt so alive and not to sound better than everyone, but more aware than humanity often is.  It is true.  I meet a lot of people that go through life with blinders on.  If not everyday, then at least five days a week (read into that how you will).  People caught up in their life and existence, they rarely take time to look around and appreciate life as it is. They move selfishly thinking the world is owed to them, that they do not have to take responsibility for their actions and what their actions produce in others.  ALC, and the training leading up to ALC put that part of my life in perspective.  It is OK to guard your self and be selfish in means of protection. But those moments are really rare and don't happen ofter, just in times of self preservation.  But through ALC and mostly pre and post ALC, I learned to allow myself to be hurt, to love freely, to exist in the present moment.

The ALC ride was far greater than any one person.  It is a moment to be surrounded by people all coming together for a cause to help your fellow man.  After the ride, I got a lot of praise for riding across California.  I wont take that away from myself.  That is an amazing feat!  I am damn proud of myself for that accomplishment.  But the true gratitude I got from the ride was being part of the human race in a selfless and loving way.  We all are heroes, but still just your average Joe.

I think I sought that after the ride. To live fully in the now and selflessly.  And I did, and do so still.  However, with time, you can lose sight of that. I know I would not have the same type of love bubble and Zen, but I know it existed inside of me and that I can continue my love bubble.  I took two mementos from the ride and kept them on my person daily post ride.  A dog tag from Rest Stop three that said Fighter, Hero, War on AIDS and a key chain of the Tardis.  I had two Tardisis, one that I wore next to my heart that I gave to Jose after my ride, so he could be with me for every mile, and one in my Bento Box on my bike.  Every time that I had a rough moment or needed to remind myself to live in my moment both on the ride and post ride, I would reach in my pocket and touch them.  That helped when the stressors of work, money or life took over my emotions.  It brought me back to a love bubble and reminded me of what was important.  However, over time, these items became objects in my pocket.  I still had meaning to them and appreciated them, but lost track of why I put them in my pocket for.

This past week, I had a rough week.  Similar to this time last year, I am in the middle of install.  Granted this year is WAY WAY much smoother, but it is still stressful.  I am having a few work issues that require my attention, and frustrations.  And I celebrated and remembered the day I became an adopted uncle and also the same day, losing him.  Other life stuff, which for anonymity sake I wont reveal here.  But it was not the best of weeks.  However, through one particular instance last week, I had a very close person in my life say one thing to me which snapped me 180 around.  I lost what ALC was.  I had become selfish instead of selfless.  What is ironic is that I thought that I was being selfless.  But I wasn't seeing it fully with both eyes open.  So this one argument resulted in me going home and pulling these objects from my pocket and remembering what is important in my life and helping me to realign my thoughts and intentions.  I am a good guy, just got off track.

I also realized that I knew myself, but wasn't embracing the full me.  I have insecurities, which caused me to not be at peace with myself.  I took time reliving my ALC experience by visiting some of my posts and pictures and remembering what is important to me, and what I need to work on in myself.  I am not a changed man.  Change takes time.  However,  ALC did change me. I just let that change slide away.  The past few days I rediscovered peace and what it means to be in your moment.

I decided long ago to sign up for ALC, but never fully committed to that cause.  A few weeks ago, the desire to do the ride again intensified, and after this past week, I realize i need to do it again.  And not to have the same experience!  ALC year 1 was eye opening.  ALC year 2 will continue to bring about the lessons learned from this experience and continue to solidify me into the man I know I am.  I wont be perfect; I cant be.  But I will be damn good at being me and taking the life lessons that ALC, my father, David, Jose have all taught me

I have to finish here with thanks.  A friend recently posted on facebook (edited to surmise my experience with Blanch)  Thankful for all that cycling has brought to my life. From wonderful people with whom I have cycled hundreds of miles while building lifelong friendships, to improving my physical, mental and spiritual health, to giving me a connection to causes like HIV/AIDS, to showing me day in and and out, there is so much more to life than what is right in front of our eyes and that we can ALL make a difference in this big crazy world. Tonight I am thankful for every moment, every mile, every flat, every hill and everyone I have shared the road with. Some are near, some far, some passed. You are all with me with every stroke of the pedal. Always.  I could not sum it up any better.  So to Blanch, thank you. Though you made my ass sore, you are a new welcome inanimate friend in my life.

Danny; for being a best friend throughout and making me laugh every time we are together.

Kira and Emily; without you, this would not be a reality.  I never would have gotten in shape to accomplish this feat.  And for your friendship.

David; for being you and a mentor in this ride.

Suzi; you make me cry every time I see you, but happy tears.  You made me a better man, and I am not sure if you even knew that :)  Thank you

Ellen; Thank you. Though our lives took separate paths, your constant encouragement kept my butt in the saddle

Manny = Coach, but more importantly friend

Jose; you left a gift on my stoop which I have always held dear to my heart.  And that gift means more to me every day. Thank you for the encouragement, kick in the butt to get in the saddle and your constant love every peddle. I love you.

Followers.  It has been fun.  I wondered why I waited to write Post.  I see now that the journey did not end after ALC.  My journey will never end. It continues and through the journey I will grow, with you and a love bubble too. But ALC and you have made this past year the biggest growth in my personal life ever.  Thank you.

To finish, a picture of my first ride on a road bike.  Manny sent this to me last week.  I think this picture was the catalyst to ride again next year.

XO
Ricky