Curtain Call

Tonight I reviewed a letter someone had written where they tried to describe a situation.  In reading it, it was hard for me to comprehend fully what was being said as I couldn't grasp all the subject matter as I had never studied it or been in a similar situation.  The overall theme had similarities I could relate to, but the actuals were not something I had ever experienced.  It reminded me of this blog and why I wrote.  To best describe my experiences in written form to other riders, other participants of ALC, or whomever chose to follow this blog.  Tonight, I decided I needed to write it down.  What was ALC 2013 to me.  And I can't put it all here.  One; that would be impossible to surmise a whole week in one post and two; the ride is near impossible to describe.  So I write this final entry to close out this chapter and have a way to recount years down the line what this ride was for me.  I will always have the memories and pictures, these are only some of the highlights that came from the ride for me.  I can't make you fully understand if you have not gone through it yourself, but hopefully, you can find it relatable :)

2 years ago I had never been on a bike.  But now, I consider myself to be an expert rider.  The biggest shock that came to me from this ride was how great I felt at the end.  I could have easily kept going.  Yes, my ass hurt and I was a little delusional from lack of sleep, but my body is in its peak physical shape that I have ever known it to be in, including when I danced professionally.  I am happy for what biking has done for my overall health physically.

Emotionally, I was kind of numb to the ride.  No love bubble for me this year.  And that is ok.  I was very happy the whole ride. I never had a bad moment and just because the love bubble never enveloped me didn't mean that it did not exist for others, and that was cool to see.  This was the best vacation I have ever had and I am thankful for that. 

What did occur though was such amazing clarity.  I am in the right place, the right spot, in my life.  I could not be anywhere better.  Well, not true exactly.  I could always be on the Starship Enterprise, but in seriousness, I could always be in the perfect city with the perfect friends and the perfect financial situation but to whose expectations?  Mine?  More money may be nice, or a city with mountains and an occasional lightning storm.  I miss those things and would enjoy the benefits of more money.  But coming home from the ride, experiencing all the emotions I did feel on the ride, I am in the right place in my life and I kind of love my life.  I have this moment and would not trade it for what I assume or would think would be a better moment.  And one huge impact this ride did for me, it really helped me lose any remnants of ego I had.  And think of the Eckhart Tolle ego if you are reading this, not the ego of I am better than you.  Losing that sense of ego brought me to really live in the moment, something my bike has been teaching me all along. 

There was a little old man who did the ride this year.  He rode every mile, or walked it.  He started first thing in the morning and though he could not do the hills, he walked up the hills.  And he did not ask for help.  I cried for him at one point.  I wanted to know his story.  And I didn't cry because he was frail and weak, which he was very frail and weak for a cyclist who just rode 545 miles.  But he inspired me.  He rode for a reason and had his mission.  There were a lot of other riders who blazed past him, concerned with making it to rest stop four, or keeping their cadence of 18 mph.  How many stopped their minds to wonder whom this rider, this member of our family was.  I never spoke to him, but his determination and feather in his helmet, always made me smile. 

I did cry in the mission.  I cried for myself.  For my loss of Ricardo.  I don't think of him as often as time moves on.  But there in the mission, looking at the religious symbols, I wondered if there was a heaven and if he was there.  I still can say I don't believe in heaven, hell, god, etc.  But I do wonder sometimes.  And if not, was his energy (which is never lost) floating in another dancer, choreographer, or cyclists calves?  Was he with me, us?  I miss him.

I met a new friend whom I shared much with.  And through him regained a sense of self and what mattered most to Ricky, and what drives Ricky and what I strive for.  And the best Zen moment on the bike was going down the coast, 26 mph, ocean to my right, silence all around, but feeling the presence of everything and basking in that moment.

And I did meet an Angel.  He showed me how to fix a bike chain.  I may not have been enveloped by the love bubble, but he surely did brush against me and was a true hero to Kitty and brought her into the bubble.

So my lessons;

Live in the moment.  I have done this daily sense I came home, and near daily before I left, post faux heart attack.  And through being present in each moment, not stressing about tomorrow or living in yesterday, I have truly found more happier moments than I knew existed.  I smile more and am at peace, which helps me see the finer, subtle moments.  And for the little old man with the feather in his helmet, I bet he is one of the happiest men out there.  He was in his moment constantly and a smile on his face with each step or peddle.

If you know something, teach.  Angel saved someones ride.  And made the biggest impact on her that could ever be felt/known.  Put your ego aside, and teach when you can.  Most importantly, help where you can.  I am lucky to be able to ride and be surrounded by those whom can financially support me to make the minimum to ride.  Though this is my last year, I will continue to help, hopefully in more ways than I thought I was previously able to do so. :)

And the biggest lesson, if you love someone, tell them.  This ride is the most intimate thing you can do with someone. You are raw and vulnerable.  You cry, hug and hold someones hand when it needs to be held.  Strangers I met knew they had me to cry on when needed, or a hug when physical touch was needed.  My brother, wife and cat know they are loved.  It meant a great deal to me to hear I inspired someone, or they felt loved from the love I gave.  So when I feel it, I should say it.  Even if it is just to remind someone that they are special in your life.

I am so happy.  And very blessed, by whatever god that is out there.  I am peaceful and have had my soul filled by this ride and all the the past two years have taught me.  This journey is not over, but this, This is it. Final curtain call. Thank you ALC. I will keep peddling :)

Stream of thought

Hi followers.  This is it, my last day in San Diego.  I wanted to write this post for a while but delayed.  Not sure why.  Today though, maybe I needed today to reflect on this moment.

Past, I have not blogged much.  This year the ride is not as consuming. I can do it.  I already have and I succeeded.  So I did not train as much.  Also, I had some life altering moments.  As mentioned, I had a close relationship end on me and suffered a heart attack, which thankfully was not a heart attack but rather a heart disease issue.  So I had three months where for lack of a better term, dated my self.  And let me tell you, I am a hot date :)  And I do mean it.  I spent some quality time looking in the mirror and turned into something beautiful.  (Vomit, I know.  How manly a word can you choose Ricky)  But here is the deal.  I took time to reflect on my personal demons and came to find they wernt so scary when I gave them a face and name.  For a while they just festered in my head where they were scarier since I never looked at them, but through the shadows.  I digress.  That is not for me to tell all 8 of you reading this what I saw.  But when in a hospital bed surrounded by crash carts, saws to cut you open and a friendly reminder sign to the staff to freeze your brain upon death, you can't help but take mental note of what is important in your life.  And that was all of you, my friends, my ex, my family.  When you are not sure if you will die, you wonder whom to call.  I literally was sitting in a hospital bed wondering whom I should call to let know I may die. So I called no one.  Why worry them.  If I die, I die.  And Nicole was with me and could tell them I died a happy man.  So I did not call my family or friends.  I did text my ex.  I had, and to this day, have never stopped loving him fully and without any barriers.  He needed to know that.  I did text my sister, but in a sense, to let her know I may die.  She is kind of the person who in our family will ensure they pull the plug on me if I ended up in a coma, and that for me was important.  If I am going to live, I want to with my eyes open.  These were morbid thoughts I know.  But I knew in that moment what was important in my life.  And I am thankful to Kira, Doug and Nicole for being by my side, and Jose, not physically, but via a phone and feeling his love.  And Lynnet for promising to pull the plug.

So this past few months I re prioritized my life.  I cleaned my house.  I read again (I missed reading).  I cooked (I missed my crappy cooking).  I spent quality time with people talking to them in person and not through Facebook.  I made new friends and forged deep bonds with my new brother David.  I was happy.  Then ding!  Here comes the ex (who am I kidding, the 8 of you that faithfully read this know it was Jose).  Good lord people, did I tell you I have never been more in love.  And you know what, I was nervous.  I am putting my heart on the line.  And he is a special person.  And we are seeing if this is the one.  And I will say this, it is going pretty good.  And I am pretty damned blessed to have an amazing man in my life.

And  I still hold on to me.  I have great friends, and new friends whom I became close too extremely fast.  I met a wonderful man whom has been with this disease since its inception.  He fought hard to get awareness to HIV/AIDS, and fought hard to ensure those afflicted by the disease would have helathcare and equal rights in a time when having HIV was the scarlet letter.  So to you, my new anonymous friend, thank you for reconnecting me to this cause.  You are a special man and I look forward to many more talks.  You are a true hero to HIV/AIDS and ensuring that those living with this disease are no different than those with a sixth toe or crossed eyes.  You should be applauded.

Hmmm, David, brother from another mother.  I truly love that guy.  I cannot divulge here why he is important to me.  But he is.  He knows why.  And for 12 years of doing ALC, you deserve a standing ovation. I am thankful you said yes to one more year.  Let's kick some ass Hooligans (Dick and Kitty included:))

So today, in a nut shell followers, I saw the worst in humanity today.  I am a hated man, no further information needed.  But there is someone out there who is just a hater of Ricky.  And that person got to me hard.  I hit my $5000 today (!) but instead of being excited, I was conflicted.  Right before I hit that Mark a friend approached me and said "Because of you and what you do, I strive to be a better person.  You inspire me"  I never thought I could raise $5000 for any cause.  I never thought I would touch so many people.  I never thought someone would want to be a better person because of me.  That moment brought me to tears.  And then moments later when I saw the email saying I hit $5000, I could not celebrate.  I was thinking back to earlier in the day when someone told me I was the black plague to society (yes, it was that bad).  How can I go on this amazing adventure and be surrounded by such hatred.  Well, to keep my thoughts moving, fuck you dick head.  But that does not make me feel better.  I kind of want to tell this person, for whatever reason you hate me, you are not a bad person.

Jose called first to congratulate me.  Damn it, it threw me for a loop.  To feel happiness from hearing from my hero, and to feel like crap due to one person makes not for a pretty Ricky.  But followers, this 
put it all in perspective.  I let one man ruin my day.  And that will happen again.  Life is not perfect.  But my actions and reactions to those moments are what matter.  So I sit here thankful to every person whom I bonded with on this journey.  Jose, for his always present love.  Nicole for her ever positive words.  Doug for his friendship.  Hooligans for being the hottest bitches on the road.  Shirley, for making me cry.  Ricky, for being a hero.  Yeah, me.  I am thankful to me and could not be a happier man.  And dickhead, you solidified for me today what truly is important.  So for that, thank you.
Final thought (Jerry! Jerry!). I may save a life today.  If one dollar of the $5000 I raised made that difference in providing care to one individual whom needed that drug, or doctors visit, or counselor to navigate housing, then dammit, that is truly all that matter at the end of this particular journey.

Keep peddling
Ricky

Blog Views

Shut the front door!  I was rumaging around in blogger and found a way to see who has viewed my blog by country.  Here are the results.  Random post, but I thought it was cool that people passed through my blog.  If they read it or not is one thing, but BAM! The people of Germany and Russia love me!

United States	1524
Germany	112
Russia	106
United Kingdom	31
Poland	27
Japan	21
France	14
Latvia	10
Pakistan	9
South Korea	8

Rides and such

Hey followers!

I am glad that this year I decided not to feel so obliged to post each ride and emotion.  Where last year this was my journal to follow each step of learning to cycle and each emotion that comes with doing a ride such as this, this year this blog is more a place to keep you all abreast of my cycle happenings (hehe, breast).

I have been fortunate to have done some amazing rides.  I have done 4 centuries this year in training!  That is a lot.  One was the Gran Fond route through East county.  It was, for lack of a better word, bitch.  The elevation gain was enormous and Honey Springs Road hill NEVER ENDED!!  Luckily for me and Team Hooligans (my new found group of friends I ride with, David, Romi, Tammy and Joselyn) had a sweep and that kept us in line and fed for the 108 mile ride :)

Wild West Weekend; I went to Bonnie Springs Ranch 20 or some miles outside Vegas for a ride through Red Rock Canyon.  It was a two night event.  This was a weekend I needed.  The weather was perfect, I made new friends, stayed on an old ranch and just had the best time.  Bonnie was even there, though crotchety.  But it reminded me of home and I think at that moment in life (post break up and faux heart attack) I longed for that comfort.  It was an incredible weekend and I couldn't have been happier at that moment :)

I have backed out of most Team San Diego rides.  I wish it were different, but there were a few on the team this year that just made the team no fun.  Ego and pompous people kept the Team from being a Team and kept some from reaching their full potential.  No need for negatives in here, but in case I reread this in 15 years, I will remember what this meant and why i opted out of training with Team SD.

I mostly rode with the hooligans and followers, I found my team.  We are great together, never leaving anyone behind.  We ride, go out together, laugh, tear up, and just enjoy each other and have fun. 

Blanch is great.  We have had little issues minus a streak of flats.  As in 2-3 every ride for about 3 weeks.  I think I had embedded glass I could not locate, but it was front and rear tire.  It sucked for a while.

I am happy followers.  I love cycling.  I love how healthy I feel!  I am getting back into hiking.  And my love for the outdoors grows each day.  I ride out next week!! 

Keep peddling!
Ricky

Half full??

Ok, an unplanned entry tonight.  So I will spit it out.

I had my 2 hr 45 min annual appraisal today.  And.... I am optimistic.  Yeah, not what I thought I would feel coming out of it.  But surprisingly, I thought it was as fair as it could be and through the dialogue I am actually optimistic about the future.  I am very shocked that I feel this way. 

I got in today to work at 1130, and just now got home at 930.  It was a long day (with no food, I get moody with no food).  But today provided some unique turns and twists at work that make me excited to work where I do.  I cant beat hanging out (literally, on a rope dangling over the side of a truss) with Dolphins.  So for all the fire moments that came my way today, I was expecting to come home not in a good mood, but, here I am, in a good mood.

Why am I blogging.  Because I took a moment before my appraisal to feel the Tardis in my pocket.  And tonight, the Tardis was joined by Turtle.  Yes, a turtle key chain that lives on my desk.  My mentor gave it to me. Private story, but a meaningful gesture.  I knew that if I got to a emotional moment, I could feel them Tardis and Turtle through my pant fabric and to take that advice.  And it worked.  Was my appraisal great?  No.  But I walked away feeling ok.  The even more shocking moment is that I conversed with him and felt that he had changed.  That he was making change based off of my feedback and past conversations.  I think I was more shocked with the discovery a few hours after my appraisal that people do change.  I have made a conscious and dedicated effort to make changes in myself, and it shows and is working.  But so did he.  He was a different person.  I didn't think he would.  So I have optimistic thoughts that things will get better.  Of all the people in the world to maybe see eye to eye, and make change together for the betterment of a relationship, albeit a work relationship, I did not think it would be him and I making a change together.  I am proud of myself.

To celebrate, and because I did not eat breakfast and only a small snack for lunch, I had pizza.  Take out, half pepperoni/jalapeno, half pineapple/ham. Comfort food, makes me feel kind of warm inside for the meaning that pizza has to me.  And it was just damn good :)

Tonight, as it has been for the past few days, I will wonder again about Tardis.  Good lord, it is taking extreme restraint right now to not reach out and say hello.  Baaah.  I hope Tardis is well.  I miss him.

Ricky

Tardis Blue

Hi Followers

I carry around with me a Tardis.  It is blue in color. The Tardis is a box that can take you anywhere. If you’re a Whovian, it makes sense to you. If not, no worries, that’s not what matters.  My Tardis and I have been on quite a trip though.

When I went to San Francisco for the ALC ride, I wanted to take something on the ride with me, something I could carry next to my heart to give to someone special to me at the end of the ride.  So I got a Tardis key chain.  Well, Amazon said 3-25 days for delivery, so I sent one to my home and one to the hotel in San Francisco.  Both arrived, so I had two for the ride.  I did take one close to my heart and gave it to that someone special at the end of my ride.  The other I carried on my bike, and every day since the ride kept it in the pocket of my pants, or with my bike on a ride. Everyday.  Why?  On ALC, nearly every single moment, even the couple times I almost got hit by a semi or my body temperature was dropping due to weather, that ride showed me how life should be, how humanity should be.  It was near perfect, even through all the scary moments. It is tough to explain to someone who has not done the ride, but you live in a near perfect world, 24/7. So after the ride, when I got stressed or overwhelmed, I would reach in my pocket, feel the Tardis, and it took me back to a moment where everything was just right in the world.

As you know, I had a faux heart attack.  Followers, I am doing fine. Great actually.  That heart attack episode was one of the scarier moments in my life.  It made me face my mortality.  And since then, the Tardis I carry means so much more to me.  I am in a much better place. The stressors I allowed to get to me could no longer be.  The doctor made it perfectly clear that I needed to step back, ease up and slow down.  On the work end.  The doctors were fine with my biking and workouts, but they told me that the work and life stress wreaks havoc on the body and that I needed to step back.  So I made an immediate change with work.  I reunited with my mentor.  I let my Senior Leadership know where I needed help (it must of worked, I am getting more staff and an additional Assistant). And with a good friend, and mentor, and side kick, I let the one person at work who provided me the most stress not get to me.  How?  Lots of smaller steps, but it is working. The Tardis I carry daily and used as a tool to remind me of a perfect time in the past, now was actually being a part of my present.  I stopped the noise of my life and took a second to listen.

I wish I knew better how to describe it.  I really don’t, but I know what my priorities are.  I have developed stronger bonds with my friendships, my bike, my little cottage and myself.  And when I see the Tardis, it is not a moment to take me back to a time where life was good, but rather remind me that I am in that place now.

Don’t get me wrong.  Work still has its moments.  How could it not though, and I won’t go into detail as I will keep the anonymity of the persons who are incompetent to be a good worker at my place of employment.  So there are times when I do need that reminder to just take a breath and go back to the love bubble, but those are very very rare now.  So I still keep Tardis Blue in my pocket.  Hey, life is not 100% perfect all the time :) 

It is funny.  The Tardis is blue.  Tardis Blue.  But it doesn’t bring me down, or make me blue.  I wonder if the other Tardis I had on my ride is blue.  I don’t know, I haven’t asked.  There is oddity there.  I am not sure what or how to feel.  I miss Tardis Blue.  It is weird to not talk to or know how Tardis is doing.  My friends at work saw a picture of us on my desk.  There is also one of me with the bike over my head at the finish line.  “Why do you still have that up” they ask. I never really thought to take it down.  But when I look at it, of course I see us.  Obviously, that is why I framed it.  But when I look at it, it is really the one moment in my life where everything was perfect.  The Universe was just so aligned and that was a perfect moment.  So I look at the picture, and am never sad, just reminded that life is good.  I have a choice in my everyday life to live a moment to be in that perfect place, be happy, at peace, and let everything just align.  And that is what I see when I look at that picture.  Not just us, but a moment captured in a still shot when everything was just good in the world.  Tardis Blue was a part of that moment.

I still wait for a package to show up on my door.  Silly, I know.  The other day, the doorbell rang.  It was almost 930 pm.  There would only be one person with a gift at my door that late.  Nope, just my landlord…..  He really is an odd cookie.  My heart skipped a beat though, but when it was just him, it returned to its normal pace.  There are days though where I get out of my car and catch a glimpse of my stoop and am reminded of a gift on my door.

Well followers, here it is.  I want to reach out.  But I won’t.  I won’t lie; this time to myself has been amazing.  To sit on my couch and relax with no obligation.  To work a 40 (ok, 45) hour week and come home to a meal I cook every night.  To wake up on my day off and decide if I ride, hike, workout, visit friends, clean, read a book or just watch TV. It has been the best reflection and time to have quality time with Ricky.  I am curious. I want to say hi and see how Tardis Blue is doing.  Is Tardis blue?  It is difficult, but I will respect the needs of time.

Earlier this week, I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.  Not that I found someone new.  I just didn’t take enough time before to see him.  And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful. 

Followers, be kind to each other, make good decisions, and keep peddling.

Ricky

Did you know February is Heart Health Month?

It is.  I found out when Nicole told me later in the night that as we were approaching the hospital that there is a large gobo on the side of UCSD Hospital that announced it was heart health month.  Ironically enough, I was in the back of an ambulance going to said hospital for what was an abnormality of my heart, possibly a heart attack. 

I will get to the point and not leave you hanging but will also use this as my journal.  I am talking to me, through words.  I need to get this out, and so far this blog has been a great tool for my personal growth and understanding of me. Yeah, so here goes.  Followers, this is a rough one.

On Friday February 1, I was at work, sick, and like normal, getting through another day of meetings, going around the park and pushing forward.  At noon, I realized I was having pain in my collar bone.  Right? My collar bone.  I had never felt that before and at the time it was a gnawing pain as if I pulled the collar bone muscle, if such exists.  I dealt with it, barely breathing through my cold.  A couple hours later I joked with my Assistant Supervisor, who had been with me most of the day "I think I am dying".  The pain was constant and growing bigger.  Enough for me to take pause and stop to will it away.  He asked for my large screen TV in the event of my passing.  I told him it was his to take.  Later, we were at Dolphin and we climbed the stairs from the pool towards the tech booth.  Halfway up I was so winded and at the top, told the Doug that I really did think I was dying as the pain was now persistent and spreading down my chest.  It was on either side of the sternum. We did a brief check in and I knew I just wanted to get to my desk to sit and relax.  Around 430, we made it back to the office.  I sat and we reviewed the day and upcoming projects.  However, now, I couldn't focus on the job, was finding it hard to breathe and the pain was constant, hurting, stabbing and just so uncomfortable.  I wanted to walk it off so I went upstairs to check in with Nicole before she left for the day.  It was 5.  "Ricky, stop molesting yourself and rubbing your boobs" she says.  I laugh, but the pain of laughing sucks.  I tell her that I am having chest pain.  Another one of my peers, bless her soul, said go to Med Services.  They are still open and can check you out.  Good thought!  So Nicole escorts me there.  We chat on the way, me thinking they will tell me it is a pulled muscle and to take it easy.  I go into Med Services (I know the lot of them over there really well).  RN Nurse!  She says what now Ricky.  I laugh, which it now hurts really bad to laugh, then grab my chest and jokingly say, I think I am dying.  Yeah......  She asks me to sit and then it kind of blurred.  They (another nurse joined) started vitals, checked my sugar levels, and monitored me, whatever it is that a nurse does (god bless them though. Lynnet you are more a hero to me now after this experience).  They say, Ricky, though we cannot diagnose you, you need to be seen by paramedics.  Chest pain is not something to take lightly.  We want to call out the paramedics.  I say no.  My cheap ass is thinking of what the copay is, the drama associated with calling out the paramedics to work and that it would be a hassle.  The Manager of Med Services made me think other wise.  She said, "Ricky, you really should be seen. The paramedics have tools we do not, and they can at least run further tests to see if this is an emergency or not."  No one yet had mentioned heart attack.  But, they come out for free!  I am forewarned that they will really try to get me in that ambulance, which is where they make their money, but I can refuse.  So I agree.

During this time, Nicole makes the needed calls to my boss, Doug and notifies people that I am at Med Services.  I tell Nicole to remind Doug that there are some base plates in the back area that need to be picked up.  Yeah, priorities.  Still thinking about work.  Though at this point, the commotion of people all there for me, I was trying to go somewhere else in my head to dull the noise. Doug (I think) and my Manager are now at Med Services.  There is a tone played on the Security channel when there is a paramedic call or transport.  It is a series of beeps played every 30 seconds or so.  We all know what it means, someone is injured and the ambulance and fire truck will be there soon.  The beeps were going off, and I was the person on the other side of the beeps.  I hated it.  I really did not want to be the beeps nor have the attention.  I had a pulled muscle (remember, no one mentioned heart issues at this point) and there was overreaction.  I was OK. I just wanted the noise of it all, the tens of people surrounding me, to be over.  The paramedics arrive.  I have Nicole escort any non paramedic people out of the area.

The paramedics unbutton my shirt.  It gave me anxiety, they were really checking me out to see if something was wrong, though in my head it is still just a pulled muscle.  My "heart" never hurt, just the chest.  My chest is hell of hurting right now as my heart starts to race (that should have been  sign).  I just try to be and let them do their job. They attached probes to my legs, chest, arms.  They redo the vitals.  They re ask the same questions.  There is a lot of talking when you are in this situation.  The distraction of trying to follow along was welcome.  I opted to be observant and pretend I was just a witness to what was going on and not the person in the chair.  First EKG showed nothing.  The paramedics were all very nonchalant and made it seem through their dialogue that nothing was wrong.  Machine was not reading me.  Horray!  I am fine right?  No, they try it again.  During this, I can see through the office and see my coworkers looking out to me.  They have concern in their face.  I have mentioned in this blog before that some of the people I work with are not fun to work with.  But to see them there, concerned, made me realize they were human and had a heart. I thought they were egoic and all about the job.  They aren't at this moment.

The man who ran the EKG pulls out the paper and reviews it with the head paramedic.  "Well, what do you think? I am not sure." "Look at that spike there, but that could be a number of causes.  But there is the second spike almost right on top of the first one."  Pause. It got abnormally quiet right during this talk.  Too quiet.  Didn't like that it was quiet or how they were looking at me. "He is going in".

They tell me "Sir, you have abnormal spikes in your EKG that is reading your heart.  This could be small or the signs of something serious.  But you will need to be taken in to the ER."  I think they saw the look of what the hell are you saying on my face.  The guy who ran the test came over with the print out.  "This line here has a large spike and is the (insert medical jargon here) and this line spiked at near the same time and could show signs of (insert medical jargon here, however, it was really focused on heart issues)."  "We need to take you in."  Still in my cheapest of hearts I ask, "Can Nicole just drive me to the ER?"  The copay for an ambulance ride is $500 dollars.  That is a lot to shell out.  They say, "sure, but can she revive you while driving.  Sir, you really need to come with us."  My world really got quiet at that point.  They are not sure I will make it to the hospital without my heart stopping.  They wont let me even go three miles to the hospital based on what they saw on that EKG. The Manager of our Medical Services is now around and says "Ricky, go. This is not something to take lightly and you need help.  There may be something wrong with your heart."  Her eyes though say don't fuck around and get your sick ass to the hospital with these men.  I consent to their wishes.

Pause, in the blog.  I don't like this.  I am at Coffee Bean, I had to get out of my house.  I am getting a bit teary eyed.  I am not liking reliving this.  At the time, it was all surreal, but today it is real again and I don't like this feeling.

I am home now some hours later.  I couldn't be in public writing this.  Funny though, the anxiety from thinking about this causes my heart to beat a hair faster.  And though not like Friday, there is still uncomfortableness with my chest.

The paramedics bring a gurney in.  They ask me to sit in it.  It was at that very exact moment that the reality of what was going on hit me.  I need to ride in an ambulance to the hospital because they aren't sure if my heart will stop beating.  That was a long trip from the chair to the gurney. two feet at most, but time slowed quite a bit as I process what they said.  But at that very moment, I let it all go.  There was not a damn thing I could do to control the situation so I just needed to be.  At the time I didn't acknowledge it, but it was like my dad did during his bear attack/lost in the woods.  He accepted his reality and relinquished himself to it.  I am thankful for that very important life lesson he taught me through his experience.   I can vividly remember everything up to the hospital.  What I don't recall was any emotion.  I just left my fate to the Universe and let the Universe guide my route.  It was quiet, not peaceful, but very quiet. At least in my mind.  As I was wheeled out, I saw familiar faces.  Park Ops Managers, Supervisors, Security; all escorts for the fire truck and ambulance.  They all kind of had a moment of a shock face to see me on the gurney. I am friends with them. Nicole was in her black car waiting to drive me to urgent care (she was unaware of the EKG). And the Leadership on the sidewalk, Nextel's out making the obligatory calls.  The gurney ride out was rough, every nudge of the gurney, bump and tilt caused a stabbing pain in my chest. The paramedics got me in the ambulance and shut the door.  Thankfully, the Med Services manager was still with me.  I reviewed more detailed health history, family history, prescription drugs, over the counter, smoker, xyz of what my history is.  The paramedic tells me it could be a heart attack, hence the need to be with them.  He starts an IV on me, oxygen and then some baby aspirin.  I ask for Nicole and she comes in the ambulance with me to the ER.

En route, the paramedic sprays some awkward tasting stuff in my mouth, seeing if there is any change in my chest.  There is not.  He mentions that this drug will give me a gnarly headache.  He then repeats the tongue test two more times :(  We chat. What do I do at SeaWorld?  He is trying to make this a comfortable non scary ride. He puts some goo on my chest.  A medicine he says. I try to figure out where we are based on the backwards ride.  I comment that the drivers driving is giving me a headache.  He says no, its the tongue spray stuff.  My chest is still throbbing, every brake, bump and turn brings the sharp pain back to my chest. I just breathe slowly.  I try to be absent of thought.  Unfortunately all that repeats in my head is I am having a heart attack. I thought they were quick.  Why is this the longest heart attack. How will he do CPR in this small area should my heart really stop?  A small part of me also thinks, this is wrong. I workout, bike, exercise, eat relatively right, am 18 days smoke free (yes, I picked it up for three months).  Heart attacks don't happen to people my age in my physical condition.  It is reserved for the overweight non healthy eaters at least 55+.  At least in the movies and TV it is this way and their heart attacks are sudden, quick.

I also wonder why the sirens aren't on.  Really?  After bending my arm to get me in this thing, no sirens.  Turns out I would have had to have my heart stop or certain symptoms to get the lights and siren.  I guess its better I didn't get the lights and siren, but that would have been a fun boyhood fantasy turned reality.  I think Nicole was secretly hoping the same, to have lights and sirens blazing.  And yes, I really was thinking this.

When I get to the ER they take me in a rather large room, shut a curtain (Nicole disappears) and about 8 people start triage.  This was like the movies.  I had my clothes removed, minus my pants. More things stuck to me, another IV in my hand. Two stethoscopes, one on my chest, one on my shoulder.  Numerous questions.  And one doctor leading the charge.  During this time I don't recall much but becoming overwhelmed with the attention, people, commands and questions.  They did another EKG, blood draw, more medicine in the IV and chest.  And then as quick as they came, they all left and Nicole was in a chair beside me.  The doc did say he would be back with test results, EKG showed same signs as at work, but the blood test results were what was needed to determine what was going on. But no other communication.  I was in the same boat. You may be having a heart attack.  We are not sure.  I was left with my pain, a cough from being sick and out of breath. Then back to my reality.  I let it be.  Nicole stroked my hand and distracted me from the aggressive headache coming on.  Couldn't tell you what we talked about, now I was just fighting the cough from my cold, the pain in my chest and the headache.  The oxygen in my nose was wonderful.  I soaked it in. Had to have some comfort in my current condition.

While in the room, Nicole and I perused the surroundings.  There was a fishing kit filled with the basics for any Doctors office.  There was a crash cart with paddles.  There was a red tool chest for open chest emergencies (the kind that they cut you open to massage your heart).  There was a machine and large sign reminding the doctors to freeze the brain with the machine should a patient die.  Yeah, the place was unnerving.  And throughout, I maintained very well.  I just let it be.  My present moment was that I was in the crash room of the ER, right near the nurse and doctors station where they were close enough that should I flat line, they can use the crash cart, emergency chest opener, and worst case, freeze my brain upon my death.  I never freaked out.  Writing this now, I cant believe how remarkably calm I was.

Do I call my family?  No.  They don't need to panic.  If I die, they will know I died a happy man living my life to the best I could.  Do I tell my friends?  Well, by now, who even knew who knew.  No need to stress them with unknowns.  Nicole is with me, she can fill my friends and family in with what happened.  Besides, her phone was already lighting up with text messages from coworkers and friends.  I texted David, we were supposed to meet that night for drinks, and told him I was at the hospital but fine.  Again, I did not know so I don't want to panic him.  But I needed to tell Jose.  That was the only time I lost my present moment and became emotional.  I hid it from Nicole.  Didn't really want to talk about it out loud.  But I needed to let him know what was happening, so he could hear it from me, and also, going through what we are going through right now, let him know that I loved him.  I am not sure I wanted him there with me.  I didn't want him, or anyone to really see me in the condition I was in, not from embarrassment, but to not cause them duress.  I am so grateful for Nicole being there, but even had she not, I think I would have been fine.  But him, I couldn't fathom dying without letting Jose know he was loved.  

Fuck.  I know writing this out is probably very therapeutic for me, but this is really hard to write.

Doug was at the hospital.  Nicole went and grabbed him.  I allowed myself to cry in her brief absence.  Of all people, I feel an affinity to being brave for Doug.  He is there and looks like he does not want to be there.  I am thankful to him.  Not only has he become such a valued worker, he has become a friend, a bro.  We chat.  We joke.  I called his bluff.  We joke about the TV.  I left my present moment at that time and had a moment of peace.  I was with friends, and I laughed, abeit a painful laugh.  Kira was now in the waiting room so Doug and her switched places.  I then thought again of Jose and that I would text him.  I can't be brave for everyone, and I was scared.  I was OK to allow him to see that I was scared.  But I don't get to my phone in time.  Kira comes in and provides the acute humor of What the hell happened!  Her honesty is again a welcome respite.  We joke that should I crash, she, as a trained CPR person, will facilitate my rescue. 

We wait.  Some time later, the doctor rolls in an ultrasound machine.  The chest pain is reduced.  Just a throb.  What went from a 7-8 on the pain scale has dropped to a 3-4. The doctor tells us that he thinks it is not a heart attack but that the fluid sac around my heart was inflamed, mimicking the signs, pain and symptoms of heart attack.  He cant be definitive but the ultrasound and further blood tests will reveal the cause of the pain.  I ask why the rush to the hospital.  He said it was wise.  The symptoms and EKG all pointed towards a heart attack, but the disease I was experiencing was similar to the symptoms of a heart attack.  Though relieving, it still was not real.  With everything that just occurred, I was tired, had a headache, and just wanted this to be done. I ask Nicole to take Kira out of the room.  The doctor does the ultrasound and tells me that it looks good and he will return after the blood test.  He mentions that with my cold, and me not taking time for myself, that may be the cause of the inflammation.  He says he sees young men usually in my same predicament.  They think they can push through sickness and end up in my case or worse.

Alone now, I cry.  I see the crash cart and open chest kit.  It sinks in.  But without the test from some enzyme in my blood to signify if I am indeed in a heart attack, I just don't know what to believe or how to feel.  I text Jose.  I let him know they don't think it is a heart attack and that I love him.  I let myself have a few more tears and then text Nicole and Kira to come back.

We wait. Nicole and I exhausted.  I hear back from Jose. I hear back from David.  I have told my sister and she is in the loop of what is going on.  I am cleared enough to leave the crash room and go to an itty bitty room.  I am hungry, thirsty and tired.  I have zero emotions now and am just wanting to sleep.  The doctor comes in.  The test was negative.  I did not have a heart attack.  

I am being discharged.  The nurse comes in and the worst pain was her ripping the tape off my hairy arms.  Kira drives us. Home at one, I can't sleep, so I take in some Star Trek TNG and am in bed by three.

The next day I wake up at 11.  The sleep was deep.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck and relax on the couch.  I answer some texts and call my family.  My sister jokes that I am trying to one up her clumsy family with ER trips. The other jokes it's a broken heart and reminds me its national heart month.  My mom and dad, concerned, are glad I am alright.  Then it hits me (just like it is hitting me to write all this).  That was a very scary moment.  I am shocked at how well I handled  myself.  But today, realizing I was having all the thoughts and emotions but being at peace with it, how the hell could I be at peace of having thoughts that I might die.  Granted, looking back, my inflamed heart sac wont kill me (unless it ruptures as my sister points out) but at the time I didn't know what was going on other than my chest hurt like hell.  Why did only Jose make me cry and not thoughts of saying I love you to my family?  Why did I feel like such a martyr for work to work through a really bad cold which may have caused this in the first place?  Nicole calls. We are going to have lunch then go pick up my car from work.

I jump in the shower and then I lose it.  I can't stop crying.  So many thoughts in my head.  Why Jose? Why work? Why the peace of the night? Why was I trying to be so brave and not worry anyone or accept help even when the paramedics said you are sick?  I get out of the shower and look in the mirror.  I have seen better days.  My chest is hurting again, the pressure from crying and blowing my nose.  I get to my bed and on my night stand, Star Trek graphic novel.  A present from Christmas.  I fall to pieces.  Really really fall apart. I cant stop crying.  So I let that be.  I cried for what I went through and the emotions of the night that were coming out now.  I cried for love.  I cried for my pushing myself too hard.  I cried because the Universe bitch slapped me and made me face my mortality.  How can you accept that something is bad, something that  could have a negative outcome, and be at peace with it.  I am mad at myself for not getting emotional the other night. 

I needed out of my house.  I walk the block, slowly.  Two reasons; one so as not to be couped up and two, since my chest was still hurting just like Friday, that should I keel over, someone on the street can help me out. 

Nicole and I have a nice lunch at Tender Greens.  I admit to her I am not doing well.  Yes, my chest hurt (doctor said it could last for up to a week) and I couldn't breath from the chest cold, but emotionally, this was rough.  Nicole is a great sounding board, and we talked for almost two hours.  I didn't want to admit it that night, and I was trying to be brave, but the whole experience was scary and unnerving.  You become numb to what is around you, which is probably why I couldn't stop crying Saturday.  You know deep in your heart, you will more than likely survive your ordeal, but there is that small part within you that questions, what if I don't.  

Why Jose and not my family?  He was the only person I needed to reach out to that night.  I respect him and have love for him.  He is too much a part of my life.  Granted, we are not together anymore, and only recently.  But had I died, I would have not been a happy soul not reaching out to him to say I love you.  My emotions are unresolved to him, hence why I don't think I needed to reach out to my family or friends.  I am at peace with my soul and my life, and happy with who I am.  Those in my life know what I do, who I am, that I am happy and they are loved.  Nothing is unresolved with them.  So if I never spoke to them again, they would be at peace knowing who I was and that they were loved by me.  There are unresolved emotions with Jose. I know he knows how I feel to him.  But Jose is different, and with what we are going through, and me not knowing if I would make it out of the ER room fine, with a saw wound on my chest or my energy released back to the Universe, I had to at least let him hear it from me and say I love you.  I can take my time, and it will take quite a bit of time to work out those emotions.  Like I mentioned before, he is a great part of my life and there is respect for him.  As I take time to sort through emotions, I need to let it ride and let the emotions and thoughts happen.  And I will honor what this is.  

I was also upset, and really letting it get to me about work.  I was really sick Monday.  I should have called in and relaxed.  But I didn't.  I know I am replaceable and work will get along just fine without me, but I felt I owed it to Doug and my Team to be there to do what I needed to do to keep the ship sailing.  Had I taken the time off and played the role of sick; at home on the couch resting, this may not have occurred. Or, it would not have occurred to extent that it did.  Of course I took Saturday off.  Doug actually forced my hand and cancelled the interviews we had set up on Friday as I was being ambulanced off.  He knows me well enough to know that I may have tried to go in just for the interviews since this process of hiring takes such a long time.  And with Nicole, I actually had to debate with myself and her, why I should take Monday off.  Again, I had 7 solid hours of interviews.  My thought was that I would be sitting, not exerting myself, no harm done. Right?  Why am I not taking a clue from life when it knocked me on my ass.  Why do I have such a divinity to my job and try to be a martyr?  I don't have the answer to that.  Not today.  However, it is now Tuesday and I have taken the week off through Thursday after my follow up doctor appt.

Go go go.  I never liked the thought of just sitting and relaxing.  It is a hard concept for me.  To sit and not do anything is wasteful.  I still have that thought.  Sunday was hard.  I wanted to get going right when I woke up.  But after an hour, and feeling the lungs wheezing and chest pain, especially when reaching for milk and doubling over, I was soon convinced that it was OK to do nothing.  And I did. Really well.  And I was OK with it.

And the one that hit me only while talking with Nicole was am I going to hard to fast?  I moved out on my own almost two years ago.  During that time, and especially with the prep of ALC, I took the bull by the horns and really lived my life.  And I continue to do so.  But is there a point where you go too hard?  Maybe.  I have jumped out of my plane, took the diamond slope, work out near daily, contemplate getting a motorcycle, and bike ride at tremendous speeds to feel the rush.  Never once, have I taken a purposeful risk to feel a rush that would put me in jeopardy.  But is my desire to go go go, and taking that extra risk being moderated by me.  I think so, but again, had I not had the work through your sickness mentality, then this would probably not have occurred.  

So I sit here, day four of doing nothing.  And I am OK with it.  It actually feels really nice.  I have emotions and feelings to figure out about Jose.  I have put emphasis on my home life to make my cottage exactly what I want it to be.  I do this to prepare for those relaxing days at home to just be, even if it is just a couple hours.  I have not gone through work email at home.  If it burns down, there is nothing I can do about it.  I still let Doug call me, but am not getting vested in the day to day.  I will have time for that later.  I am listening to my heart, quite literally, and it still hurts.  My chest throbs.  And I am soaking in this moment to listen to what my heart is telling me, and I am responding.

Followers, back to you. And me.  Saturday was rough. Terrible actually.  I was bitch slapped and the after effects really are making me take pause.  My thoughts are varied and all over the place.  I can't figure it all out right now, and that is OK.  What is important is I am taking the signs dealt to me and taking time for me. 

Till next time (or when cleared by your doctor)
Keep peddling