Half full??

Ok, an unplanned entry tonight.  So I will spit it out.

I had my 2 hr 45 min annual appraisal today.  And.... I am optimistic.  Yeah, not what I thought I would feel coming out of it.  But surprisingly, I thought it was as fair as it could be and through the dialogue I am actually optimistic about the future.  I am very shocked that I feel this way. 

I got in today to work at 1130, and just now got home at 930.  It was a long day (with no food, I get moody with no food).  But today provided some unique turns and twists at work that make me excited to work where I do.  I cant beat hanging out (literally, on a rope dangling over the side of a truss) with Dolphins.  So for all the fire moments that came my way today, I was expecting to come home not in a good mood, but, here I am, in a good mood.

Why am I blogging.  Because I took a moment before my appraisal to feel the Tardis in my pocket.  And tonight, the Tardis was joined by Turtle.  Yes, a turtle key chain that lives on my desk.  My mentor gave it to me. Private story, but a meaningful gesture.  I knew that if I got to a emotional moment, I could feel them Tardis and Turtle through my pant fabric and to take that advice.  And it worked.  Was my appraisal great?  No.  But I walked away feeling ok.  The even more shocking moment is that I conversed with him and felt that he had changed.  That he was making change based off of my feedback and past conversations.  I think I was more shocked with the discovery a few hours after my appraisal that people do change.  I have made a conscious and dedicated effort to make changes in myself, and it shows and is working.  But so did he.  He was a different person.  I didn't think he would.  So I have optimistic thoughts that things will get better.  Of all the people in the world to maybe see eye to eye, and make change together for the betterment of a relationship, albeit a work relationship, I did not think it would be him and I making a change together.  I am proud of myself.

To celebrate, and because I did not eat breakfast and only a small snack for lunch, I had pizza.  Take out, half pepperoni/jalapeno, half pineapple/ham. Comfort food, makes me feel kind of warm inside for the meaning that pizza has to me.  And it was just damn good :)

Tonight, as it has been for the past few days, I will wonder again about Tardis.  Good lord, it is taking extreme restraint right now to not reach out and say hello.  Baaah.  I hope Tardis is well.  I miss him.

Ricky

Tardis Blue

Hi Followers

I carry around with me a Tardis.  It is blue in color. The Tardis is a box that can take you anywhere. If you’re a Whovian, it makes sense to you. If not, no worries, that’s not what matters.  My Tardis and I have been on quite a trip though.

When I went to San Francisco for the ALC ride, I wanted to take something on the ride with me, something I could carry next to my heart to give to someone special to me at the end of the ride.  So I got a Tardis key chain.  Well, Amazon said 3-25 days for delivery, so I sent one to my home and one to the hotel in San Francisco.  Both arrived, so I had two for the ride.  I did take one close to my heart and gave it to that someone special at the end of my ride.  The other I carried on my bike, and every day since the ride kept it in the pocket of my pants, or with my bike on a ride. Everyday.  Why?  On ALC, nearly every single moment, even the couple times I almost got hit by a semi or my body temperature was dropping due to weather, that ride showed me how life should be, how humanity should be.  It was near perfect, even through all the scary moments. It is tough to explain to someone who has not done the ride, but you live in a near perfect world, 24/7. So after the ride, when I got stressed or overwhelmed, I would reach in my pocket, feel the Tardis, and it took me back to a moment where everything was just right in the world.

As you know, I had a faux heart attack.  Followers, I am doing fine. Great actually.  That heart attack episode was one of the scarier moments in my life.  It made me face my mortality.  And since then, the Tardis I carry means so much more to me.  I am in a much better place. The stressors I allowed to get to me could no longer be.  The doctor made it perfectly clear that I needed to step back, ease up and slow down.  On the work end.  The doctors were fine with my biking and workouts, but they told me that the work and life stress wreaks havoc on the body and that I needed to step back.  So I made an immediate change with work.  I reunited with my mentor.  I let my Senior Leadership know where I needed help (it must of worked, I am getting more staff and an additional Assistant). And with a good friend, and mentor, and side kick, I let the one person at work who provided me the most stress not get to me.  How?  Lots of smaller steps, but it is working. The Tardis I carry daily and used as a tool to remind me of a perfect time in the past, now was actually being a part of my present.  I stopped the noise of my life and took a second to listen.

I wish I knew better how to describe it.  I really don’t, but I know what my priorities are.  I have developed stronger bonds with my friendships, my bike, my little cottage and myself.  And when I see the Tardis, it is not a moment to take me back to a time where life was good, but rather remind me that I am in that place now.

Don’t get me wrong.  Work still has its moments.  How could it not though, and I won’t go into detail as I will keep the anonymity of the persons who are incompetent to be a good worker at my place of employment.  So there are times when I do need that reminder to just take a breath and go back to the love bubble, but those are very very rare now.  So I still keep Tardis Blue in my pocket.  Hey, life is not 100% perfect all the time :) 

It is funny.  The Tardis is blue.  Tardis Blue.  But it doesn’t bring me down, or make me blue.  I wonder if the other Tardis I had on my ride is blue.  I don’t know, I haven’t asked.  There is oddity there.  I am not sure what or how to feel.  I miss Tardis Blue.  It is weird to not talk to or know how Tardis is doing.  My friends at work saw a picture of us on my desk.  There is also one of me with the bike over my head at the finish line.  “Why do you still have that up” they ask. I never really thought to take it down.  But when I look at it, of course I see us.  Obviously, that is why I framed it.  But when I look at it, it is really the one moment in my life where everything was perfect.  The Universe was just so aligned and that was a perfect moment.  So I look at the picture, and am never sad, just reminded that life is good.  I have a choice in my everyday life to live a moment to be in that perfect place, be happy, at peace, and let everything just align.  And that is what I see when I look at that picture.  Not just us, but a moment captured in a still shot when everything was just good in the world.  Tardis Blue was a part of that moment.

I still wait for a package to show up on my door.  Silly, I know.  The other day, the doorbell rang.  It was almost 930 pm.  There would only be one person with a gift at my door that late.  Nope, just my landlord…..  He really is an odd cookie.  My heart skipped a beat though, but when it was just him, it returned to its normal pace.  There are days though where I get out of my car and catch a glimpse of my stoop and am reminded of a gift on my door.

Well followers, here it is.  I want to reach out.  But I won’t.  I won’t lie; this time to myself has been amazing.  To sit on my couch and relax with no obligation.  To work a 40 (ok, 45) hour week and come home to a meal I cook every night.  To wake up on my day off and decide if I ride, hike, workout, visit friends, clean, read a book or just watch TV. It has been the best reflection and time to have quality time with Ricky.  I am curious. I want to say hi and see how Tardis Blue is doing.  Is Tardis blue?  It is difficult, but I will respect the needs of time.

Earlier this week, I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.  Not that I found someone new.  I just didn’t take enough time before to see him.  And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful. 

Followers, be kind to each other, make good decisions, and keep peddling.

Ricky