Truth be told

Followers. Ta da! I am a liar.... of sorts. I said I would post a couple days later about a week ago.  Well, I started to and then found I could not bring myself to finish the post.  What is up with me.  Followers I will give you this.  It is 2 weeks almost post ride.  The ride was the most amazing thing I have done for myself, my body, my loved ones and my fellow man.  Over the past two weeks, I have been EXHAUSTED!!!!  Totally beat.  And that was expected.  I also have had the post ride loss that was talked about. You really do experience a unique loss of something so profound and meaningful in your life.  There were lots of Facebook pictures floating around, and can you believe I have yet to post mine or even go through mine.  That first week post ride, I would see some on FB and smile ear to ear, and then see one specifically and start to well up with tears.  I have had ups and downs at work trying to reintegrate myself back into reality.  That was and is still hard.  So these past two weeks have been.... not sure. Not rough, not depressing, not emotional.  Just recouping and digesting life.

So, tonight, I met with a wonderful new friend, and veteran rider. I asked her what was I feeling and was I normal.  Of course the answer was yes.  And it was a beautiful talk, one which I choose not to share publicly but will share individually.  But I had a blog ah ha moment.  I am pretty sure I have not been blogging because I don't want to share it.  Here's why.  This ride has been such an incredible, awesome, mind blowing, phenomenal experience.  And so very personal.  Not that I have not or wont tell people about it, but I was not ready, nor am I ready to tell a day by day account of what the ride was on a public forum.  But I am going to and I do believe I am ready now to write my journal entries (aka blog) to my online account of my ride and journey.

I recognize this is public.  So two very important notes before we get to day 0.

• One, I will be honest to myself about this ride.  Every single moment was beautiful, but I wouldn't be telling you the truth if that on day 7 I was done with Team San Diego.  So, if you are a Team San Diego rider, note, those are my feelings on that day and please do not take offense to those feelings.  You know I like you now.  That was just a rough day for my relationship with Team San Diego :)  Or if I describe a situation and you say Damn, I had no idea that was what Ricky was feeling, don't take any affront to it.  Nothing was negative about the ride.  But all you roadies and riders know what a roller coaster of emotions we go through and you all would be liars if you tell someone that every single moment was the happiest seconds of your life. And no, I will not use any persons name.  I cant.  That would not be fair that person or me..... And there were some other rough moments on days 2-6 as well. Well, I will drop some names here and there.  Hello, how can I tell you the magnificent accounts of me and my ride wife Romi's adventures, or the incredible day when I saw Jose after 6 days on the bike.
• Two, I will not tell you everything.  Some things that occurred on this ride are deeply personal.  I had dialogue and conversations with people that are so meaningful and a true moment between persons that are not meant to be shared in a public forum.  Again, I still have some incredible outlets (friends, family, boyfriend) whom I can talk to so no, I am not harboring emotions and internalizing them, I just wont tell all 6 followers out there LOL

Well, here goes nothing.  No promises followers.  I wont say when day 0 comes out.  I Will blog all 9 days (day 0 through 7 and the post ride days) and I will keep a promise to myself to have it done by end of July.

Till next time
Peddle on!

Day -1; San Diego to San Francisco

Well followers. Here it is, I am on my way to the ride. I could hardly get any sleep last night. I had a great night; cooked dinner for Jose for a quiet night in. A heartfelt hug, kiss and words goodbye and I'm off to bed, exhausted. Then like a kid on Christmas Eve, I can't sleep ;) I am too filled with anticipation of the day to come and the journey laid out before me. I try to remind myself to release all expectations and be in the moment, but it didn't work. I am now too caught up, burning up from the heat trapped in my house and thirsty. I finally manage sleep but for maybe four hours or so. I get up at 415 and a nice quiet morning listening to the birds outside with my cup of coffee, last minute packing and then a mini stroll around the block. I enjoyed this quiet moment, thinking fondly to my home in Colorado and how peaceful it is there and the camping trips I did with the family growing up. I am excited to soon be on this outdoor journey on a bike with 3000 new family members.

David and Logan arrive promptly 30 min late ;) and we pack up and are off. 6 1/2 hours from LA to San Francisco and 7 days to get back ;) About 60 miles out from San Francisco, a mini freak out moment. Seeing the miles and miles of open prairie land, and the hours in the truck, I realize I have to ride all of this back. That's a long, long way. Maybe I should've flown out here. Much shorter in the mind to have flown it than drive it. David, taunts me. Tells me that I have 7 days to ride back :-) Yikes. But I'm still excited!

Logan and David at our Lunch Stop somewhere in BFE California. Blanch and Fiona on the back of David's truck.  Look at the quote. "You're off to Great Places! Today is your Day! Your mountain is waiting, So... get on your way!" Dr. Seuss  David's SAG truck was Dr. Seuss themed and provided great quotes for the ride and motivation for our tired asses :)

So we pull into San Francisco and there it is, Cow Palace!! Shit! I yelped out loud just a hair. Now this is real. Up till now, it was all in the head.  But to see the enormity of Cow Palace and the enormity of what is to come, it just became real. My emotions are on a roller coaster right now.  Good emotions, but a little scared.

A view from the Alpine Inn looking towards Cow Palace.  This place was huge!

We get to Alpine Suites and it has a wonderful, perfectly centered view of Cow Palace. I take a moment and David totally sees it. He sees that this real to me. Thank the lord David was there.  He smiles knowing that I am soaking this in, maybe a little nervous.  But he pats me on the back and reminds me that "no one said saving lives was going to be easy".  I am overwhelmed and nervous.  I hope to successfully complete this in one piece. I take my emotions and I released it to the universe and accepted the emotions that have and will hit me. But then, oh lord, here comes Doreen. Doreen has done every AIDS Ride and AIDS Lifecycle since year one. She is an inspiration.  Full of life, energy and love.  She is wonderful in every sense of the word. I was fortunate to once ride briefly with her and enjoyed soaking in her presence, as it is pure love energy. However, three weeks ago she got into a bike wreck and fractured her arms. Doreen, mother of safe riding got seriously injured riding. This was hard to see, especially after having many a person remind me to be safe and ask only that I come back in one piece. I am sad that she cant ride this year (she will be doing a SAG bus) and nervous as I remember that this sport can cause me serious injury, no matter how safe I am (she injured herself while in the process of trying to keep her fellow riders safe, basically taking one for the team. Damn ruts in the road)  Her story though, and commitment to making a difference, keeps me on my bike peddling. As her hankie said a few years back, I will have hard days but I don't wake up every day with AIDS. So, I will keep peddling. I can't bitch. Yeah, she has a broken arm, and she will ride again. And no matter what comes of me from this ride, I don't know what it is like to have AIDS.  So I will peddle. And for my friends, family and boyfriend, I will promise you I will do so safely and come back to you in one piece, with maybe a sunburn and a few scratches only.

See, I'll be safe.  There is a medical car, one of MANY!

We head over to Cow Palace so David can upload his truck to sweep. Now it hits me. To see all the vehicles (sweep,food, gear, medical, logistics, media, etc.) put this all into perspective. We are a moving city and they know what they are doing. We drop off our bikes and we are a day early. So we see a handful of bikes in an empty room of bike racks. Tomorrow this area will be full with bikes. This is happening and now I am just floating through the motions almost emotionless but drowning in emotions.  This is surreal and unreal.

 The rows of empty bike racks. This will be filled very soon.

Off to a send off party at the Lookout. It was FUN! Now I am getting into the spirit and excitement of the ride. We are surrounded by riders, roadies and supporters. I meet a great gay couple who are doing moto support (sounds fun) and parking. I met the man in the dress on the hill, he will be out there every day on a hill in a dress to cheer us up the hill. I met a girl who had yet to finish raising funds, but flashed a boobie to a gay for cash (she may have been tipsy). I also meet the gayest of gays, which reminds me sometimes why I don't like gays and a few pretentious gays. But all are there for the support an to raise money for a cause. I put my differences aside and open myself to the people and love that is there.  It is odd, I really am not into the gay scene of gay.  And the Lookout had all of that.  But I had a blast, and here followers, an admitance.  I had a couple drags off a cigarette.  I know I know.  I debated telling you all this.  But this is my online journal and account of the ride and it happened.  I only did so because I did.  There really is no explanation for my actions.  I don't regret it, but feel guilty for doing so.  I have given my body a complete overhaul for health and here I am taking drags of a cigarette.  But the temporary high it provided was memorable.

Back to the hotel where we order a pizza and wolf it down. I love food! :-) then off to bed. This day has been long.

This is it, I succumb

Followers, this is it.  My final post before I ride.  First, I must thank you for following me.  I know of some of you that do, others who secretly do and still others I have no idea of who are following this.  But writing this out started as an online journal for me to recount this experience, and to hopefully share one day with my family, children, lover, great grandchildren of this amazing ride I did or to answer to them, what was HIV/AIDS (one could only hope they will not know what HIV/AIDS is, or a blog....). But then followers, through comments and one on one dialogues, I know that some of these posts have touched you.  I went through a lot, a recap is not needed, we can just read the past posts.  But there are some moments I feel I need to get out, on paper.

I started this as a moment to do something greater than I.  I needed to do something that is beyond me.  Turns out, this ride became me, both good and bad.  I started timidly riding around the block doing ten mile rides thinking how damn proud I was of myself for riding so far.  Come 5 months later, I rode 100 miles in one day.  Now a 60+ mile ride seems long, and a century ride is a day trip for pleasure.  I became stronger, an athlete.  Kira, Ray, Emily, Danny and I would work out in he gym, building our endurance, core and strength.  For them I am thankful. Manny came along and became my weight lifting buddy, and friend. He pushed me to my limits, added mass to my frail little frame and also coached me in the fine art of saddle time.  I appreciate him and am glad we have become friends through this process. I also feel like I may have neglected friends.  Ellen, my best friend, her and I have not seen each other in forever, but through Blanch and this ride, got me through one of the toughest moments in my life, losing a loved one I never had the fortune to meet.  Ellen has been a rock, though mostly through cards and phone calls, but if it were not for her, some of the harder moments would have been unbearable.  I don't call my family as much, but I think they understand.  Work was an up and down roller coaster, damn that place.  But for all its grief that it gives me, it is not a bad gig.  I digress, I am verbal vomiting right now.

Needless to say followers, this has been so unique and interesting. I have gained so much, and learned more about myself, and have a new perspective on me and becoming more of a man than I ever knew possible.  I found love, both in an inanimate object, Blanch, and Jose, the most amazing man to walk into my life.  We were all there followers when he and I broke up, but you know, I could not be any more lucky a person than to have him in my life.  I do love him and will forever be appreciative for his support in this ride, both when I lost it and became numb and the successes that we celebrated in our lives, both him and I outside this ride.  I love you Jose.  I am proud to call such an amazing man, my partner.

Everyone, friends, followers, TRL's; you all touched me so deeply and I have developed new friends and bonds through this ride then I could ever have known.  I now have more than one lesbian in my life to call a friend :)  I developed stronger friendships with people who were once just acquaintances.  So to all of you, named or unnamed, thank you.  I appreciate you!!

I do need to call out David.  David became my ride mentor.  I appreciate him more than words can say.  He developed me into the rider I am, and also helped me grow a pair.  He picked me up when I was down, he slapped me when I was being petty or selfish, and kept me in line to being the person I am right now and continue to become.  So David, I cannot express how much you mean to me.  You are a friend, mentor, brother all wrapped into one.  Thank you.

So now that my acceptance speech for best blog is over, now what.

Well followers, can I say that I may have found Jebus during this ride.  OK, no.  If you know me, you know that Jesus and I have not much in common.  But dare I say I found a sense of spirituality I have never known before.  I found Zen, and found an inner peace that is amazing to have.  Many of you know that my father was in a bad accident a few years back and very well could have died, via a bear attack.  But he, through that process, found his moment, his Zen and lived his moment.  IN talking with him (and coming out to him, with more love back from him than I thought possible) I have come to find that I have always had Zen, God, Buddha, whatever very close to me.  But to be on a bike and feel that quiet, that moment, I have a new appreciation for what is bigger than I.

I sit here, nervous.  How will I do?  I will kick ass riding, no question. But what will I experience?  Will it be an emotional roller coaster? Will it be life changing?  I don't know.  I do know that this has been one of the most amazing experiences I may ever know.  I wouldn't change a thing, good or bad.  I am happy, and love myself and everyone in my life.  I hope that to you, my followers, you have gotten something out of this.  Maybe you are inspired to do something for yourself or others.  Maybe I know you personally and our relationship has or will grow from this ride.  I will know in less than 50 hours, once we are told to ride out.  I will keep you abreast, once I return when I post pictures and do a day to day blog.  This journey, it actually is just starting.  Wow.  I was called a hero by a friend.  I don't feel like one.  Just a man riding a bike.  But I will take it.  If I am a hero to someone, I will succumb to that.  I don't want to be a hero.  Just your average Joe doing what is best for his fellow man.

Today, I succumbed.  A friend said it best.  Release your intentions, expectations, hopes and fears.  Succumb to this ride, this journey.  Allow the universe to take you for a ride. Enjoy the journey.

To end, I must say, Ricardo, friend, dance mentor, hell of a man, you were gone too soon.  It was unfair that this disease took your creativity and amazing soul from this earth.  Please know that I ride in your memory.  You are not forgotten friend.  And with each peddle I do, I will count it out; 1 2 3... 4... 5 6.  You are my hero.

For now
Keep peddling.