Did you know February is Heart Health Month?

It is.  I found out when Nicole told me later in the night that as we were approaching the hospital that there is a large gobo on the side of UCSD Hospital that announced it was heart health month.  Ironically enough, I was in the back of an ambulance going to said hospital for what was an abnormality of my heart, possibly a heart attack. 

I will get to the point and not leave you hanging but will also use this as my journal.  I am talking to me, through words.  I need to get this out, and so far this blog has been a great tool for my personal growth and understanding of me. Yeah, so here goes.  Followers, this is a rough one.

On Friday February 1, I was at work, sick, and like normal, getting through another day of meetings, going around the park and pushing forward.  At noon, I realized I was having pain in my collar bone.  Right? My collar bone.  I had never felt that before and at the time it was a gnawing pain as if I pulled the collar bone muscle, if such exists.  I dealt with it, barely breathing through my cold.  A couple hours later I joked with my Assistant Supervisor, who had been with me most of the day "I think I am dying".  The pain was constant and growing bigger.  Enough for me to take pause and stop to will it away.  He asked for my large screen TV in the event of my passing.  I told him it was his to take.  Later, we were at Dolphin and we climbed the stairs from the pool towards the tech booth.  Halfway up I was so winded and at the top, told the Doug that I really did think I was dying as the pain was now persistent and spreading down my chest.  It was on either side of the sternum. We did a brief check in and I knew I just wanted to get to my desk to sit and relax.  Around 430, we made it back to the office.  I sat and we reviewed the day and upcoming projects.  However, now, I couldn't focus on the job, was finding it hard to breathe and the pain was constant, hurting, stabbing and just so uncomfortable.  I wanted to walk it off so I went upstairs to check in with Nicole before she left for the day.  It was 5.  "Ricky, stop molesting yourself and rubbing your boobs" she says.  I laugh, but the pain of laughing sucks.  I tell her that I am having chest pain.  Another one of my peers, bless her soul, said go to Med Services.  They are still open and can check you out.  Good thought!  So Nicole escorts me there.  We chat on the way, me thinking they will tell me it is a pulled muscle and to take it easy.  I go into Med Services (I know the lot of them over there really well).  RN Nurse!  She says what now Ricky.  I laugh, which it now hurts really bad to laugh, then grab my chest and jokingly say, I think I am dying.  Yeah......  She asks me to sit and then it kind of blurred.  They (another nurse joined) started vitals, checked my sugar levels, and monitored me, whatever it is that a nurse does (god bless them though. Lynnet you are more a hero to me now after this experience).  They say, Ricky, though we cannot diagnose you, you need to be seen by paramedics.  Chest pain is not something to take lightly.  We want to call out the paramedics.  I say no.  My cheap ass is thinking of what the copay is, the drama associated with calling out the paramedics to work and that it would be a hassle.  The Manager of Med Services made me think other wise.  She said, "Ricky, you really should be seen. The paramedics have tools we do not, and they can at least run further tests to see if this is an emergency or not."  No one yet had mentioned heart attack.  But, they come out for free!  I am forewarned that they will really try to get me in that ambulance, which is where they make their money, but I can refuse.  So I agree.

During this time, Nicole makes the needed calls to my boss, Doug and notifies people that I am at Med Services.  I tell Nicole to remind Doug that there are some base plates in the back area that need to be picked up.  Yeah, priorities.  Still thinking about work.  Though at this point, the commotion of people all there for me, I was trying to go somewhere else in my head to dull the noise. Doug (I think) and my Manager are now at Med Services.  There is a tone played on the Security channel when there is a paramedic call or transport.  It is a series of beeps played every 30 seconds or so.  We all know what it means, someone is injured and the ambulance and fire truck will be there soon.  The beeps were going off, and I was the person on the other side of the beeps.  I hated it.  I really did not want to be the beeps nor have the attention.  I had a pulled muscle (remember, no one mentioned heart issues at this point) and there was overreaction.  I was OK. I just wanted the noise of it all, the tens of people surrounding me, to be over.  The paramedics arrive.  I have Nicole escort any non paramedic people out of the area.

The paramedics unbutton my shirt.  It gave me anxiety, they were really checking me out to see if something was wrong, though in my head it is still just a pulled muscle.  My "heart" never hurt, just the chest.  My chest is hell of hurting right now as my heart starts to race (that should have been  sign).  I just try to be and let them do their job. They attached probes to my legs, chest, arms.  They redo the vitals.  They re ask the same questions.  There is a lot of talking when you are in this situation.  The distraction of trying to follow along was welcome.  I opted to be observant and pretend I was just a witness to what was going on and not the person in the chair.  First EKG showed nothing.  The paramedics were all very nonchalant and made it seem through their dialogue that nothing was wrong.  Machine was not reading me.  Horray!  I am fine right?  No, they try it again.  During this, I can see through the office and see my coworkers looking out to me.  They have concern in their face.  I have mentioned in this blog before that some of the people I work with are not fun to work with.  But to see them there, concerned, made me realize they were human and had a heart. I thought they were egoic and all about the job.  They aren't at this moment.

The man who ran the EKG pulls out the paper and reviews it with the head paramedic.  "Well, what do you think? I am not sure." "Look at that spike there, but that could be a number of causes.  But there is the second spike almost right on top of the first one."  Pause. It got abnormally quiet right during this talk.  Too quiet.  Didn't like that it was quiet or how they were looking at me. "He is going in".

They tell me "Sir, you have abnormal spikes in your EKG that is reading your heart.  This could be small or the signs of something serious.  But you will need to be taken in to the ER."  I think they saw the look of what the hell are you saying on my face.  The guy who ran the test came over with the print out.  "This line here has a large spike and is the (insert medical jargon here) and this line spiked at near the same time and could show signs of (insert medical jargon here, however, it was really focused on heart issues)."  "We need to take you in."  Still in my cheapest of hearts I ask, "Can Nicole just drive me to the ER?"  The copay for an ambulance ride is $500 dollars.  That is a lot to shell out.  They say, "sure, but can she revive you while driving.  Sir, you really need to come with us."  My world really got quiet at that point.  They are not sure I will make it to the hospital without my heart stopping.  They wont let me even go three miles to the hospital based on what they saw on that EKG. The Manager of our Medical Services is now around and says "Ricky, go. This is not something to take lightly and you need help.  There may be something wrong with your heart."  Her eyes though say don't fuck around and get your sick ass to the hospital with these men.  I consent to their wishes.

Pause, in the blog.  I don't like this.  I am at Coffee Bean, I had to get out of my house.  I am getting a bit teary eyed.  I am not liking reliving this.  At the time, it was all surreal, but today it is real again and I don't like this feeling.

I am home now some hours later.  I couldn't be in public writing this.  Funny though, the anxiety from thinking about this causes my heart to beat a hair faster.  And though not like Friday, there is still uncomfortableness with my chest.

The paramedics bring a gurney in.  They ask me to sit in it.  It was at that very exact moment that the reality of what was going on hit me.  I need to ride in an ambulance to the hospital because they aren't sure if my heart will stop beating.  That was a long trip from the chair to the gurney. two feet at most, but time slowed quite a bit as I process what they said.  But at that very moment, I let it all go.  There was not a damn thing I could do to control the situation so I just needed to be.  At the time I didn't acknowledge it, but it was like my dad did during his bear attack/lost in the woods.  He accepted his reality and relinquished himself to it.  I am thankful for that very important life lesson he taught me through his experience.   I can vividly remember everything up to the hospital.  What I don't recall was any emotion.  I just left my fate to the Universe and let the Universe guide my route.  It was quiet, not peaceful, but very quiet. At least in my mind.  As I was wheeled out, I saw familiar faces.  Park Ops Managers, Supervisors, Security; all escorts for the fire truck and ambulance.  They all kind of had a moment of a shock face to see me on the gurney. I am friends with them. Nicole was in her black car waiting to drive me to urgent care (she was unaware of the EKG). And the Leadership on the sidewalk, Nextel's out making the obligatory calls.  The gurney ride out was rough, every nudge of the gurney, bump and tilt caused a stabbing pain in my chest. The paramedics got me in the ambulance and shut the door.  Thankfully, the Med Services manager was still with me.  I reviewed more detailed health history, family history, prescription drugs, over the counter, smoker, xyz of what my history is.  The paramedic tells me it could be a heart attack, hence the need to be with them.  He starts an IV on me, oxygen and then some baby aspirin.  I ask for Nicole and she comes in the ambulance with me to the ER.

En route, the paramedic sprays some awkward tasting stuff in my mouth, seeing if there is any change in my chest.  There is not.  He mentions that this drug will give me a gnarly headache.  He then repeats the tongue test two more times :(  We chat. What do I do at SeaWorld?  He is trying to make this a comfortable non scary ride. He puts some goo on my chest.  A medicine he says. I try to figure out where we are based on the backwards ride.  I comment that the drivers driving is giving me a headache.  He says no, its the tongue spray stuff.  My chest is still throbbing, every brake, bump and turn brings the sharp pain back to my chest. I just breathe slowly.  I try to be absent of thought.  Unfortunately all that repeats in my head is I am having a heart attack. I thought they were quick.  Why is this the longest heart attack. How will he do CPR in this small area should my heart really stop?  A small part of me also thinks, this is wrong. I workout, bike, exercise, eat relatively right, am 18 days smoke free (yes, I picked it up for three months).  Heart attacks don't happen to people my age in my physical condition.  It is reserved for the overweight non healthy eaters at least 55+.  At least in the movies and TV it is this way and their heart attacks are sudden, quick.

I also wonder why the sirens aren't on.  Really?  After bending my arm to get me in this thing, no sirens.  Turns out I would have had to have my heart stop or certain symptoms to get the lights and siren.  I guess its better I didn't get the lights and siren, but that would have been a fun boyhood fantasy turned reality.  I think Nicole was secretly hoping the same, to have lights and sirens blazing.  And yes, I really was thinking this.

When I get to the ER they take me in a rather large room, shut a curtain (Nicole disappears) and about 8 people start triage.  This was like the movies.  I had my clothes removed, minus my pants. More things stuck to me, another IV in my hand. Two stethoscopes, one on my chest, one on my shoulder.  Numerous questions.  And one doctor leading the charge.  During this time I don't recall much but becoming overwhelmed with the attention, people, commands and questions.  They did another EKG, blood draw, more medicine in the IV and chest.  And then as quick as they came, they all left and Nicole was in a chair beside me.  The doc did say he would be back with test results, EKG showed same signs as at work, but the blood test results were what was needed to determine what was going on. But no other communication.  I was in the same boat. You may be having a heart attack.  We are not sure.  I was left with my pain, a cough from being sick and out of breath. Then back to my reality.  I let it be.  Nicole stroked my hand and distracted me from the aggressive headache coming on.  Couldn't tell you what we talked about, now I was just fighting the cough from my cold, the pain in my chest and the headache.  The oxygen in my nose was wonderful.  I soaked it in. Had to have some comfort in my current condition.

While in the room, Nicole and I perused the surroundings.  There was a fishing kit filled with the basics for any Doctors office.  There was a crash cart with paddles.  There was a red tool chest for open chest emergencies (the kind that they cut you open to massage your heart).  There was a machine and large sign reminding the doctors to freeze the brain with the machine should a patient die.  Yeah, the place was unnerving.  And throughout, I maintained very well.  I just let it be.  My present moment was that I was in the crash room of the ER, right near the nurse and doctors station where they were close enough that should I flat line, they can use the crash cart, emergency chest opener, and worst case, freeze my brain upon my death.  I never freaked out.  Writing this now, I cant believe how remarkably calm I was.

Do I call my family?  No.  They don't need to panic.  If I die, they will know I died a happy man living my life to the best I could.  Do I tell my friends?  Well, by now, who even knew who knew.  No need to stress them with unknowns.  Nicole is with me, she can fill my friends and family in with what happened.  Besides, her phone was already lighting up with text messages from coworkers and friends.  I texted David, we were supposed to meet that night for drinks, and told him I was at the hospital but fine.  Again, I did not know so I don't want to panic him.  But I needed to tell Jose.  That was the only time I lost my present moment and became emotional.  I hid it from Nicole.  Didn't really want to talk about it out loud.  But I needed to let him know what was happening, so he could hear it from me, and also, going through what we are going through right now, let him know that I loved him.  I am not sure I wanted him there with me.  I didn't want him, or anyone to really see me in the condition I was in, not from embarrassment, but to not cause them duress.  I am so grateful for Nicole being there, but even had she not, I think I would have been fine.  But him, I couldn't fathom dying without letting Jose know he was loved.  

Fuck.  I know writing this out is probably very therapeutic for me, but this is really hard to write.

Doug was at the hospital.  Nicole went and grabbed him.  I allowed myself to cry in her brief absence.  Of all people, I feel an affinity to being brave for Doug.  He is there and looks like he does not want to be there.  I am thankful to him.  Not only has he become such a valued worker, he has become a friend, a bro.  We chat.  We joke.  I called his bluff.  We joke about the TV.  I left my present moment at that time and had a moment of peace.  I was with friends, and I laughed, abeit a painful laugh.  Kira was now in the waiting room so Doug and her switched places.  I then thought again of Jose and that I would text him.  I can't be brave for everyone, and I was scared.  I was OK to allow him to see that I was scared.  But I don't get to my phone in time.  Kira comes in and provides the acute humor of What the hell happened!  Her honesty is again a welcome respite.  We joke that should I crash, she, as a trained CPR person, will facilitate my rescue. 

We wait.  Some time later, the doctor rolls in an ultrasound machine.  The chest pain is reduced.  Just a throb.  What went from a 7-8 on the pain scale has dropped to a 3-4. The doctor tells us that he thinks it is not a heart attack but that the fluid sac around my heart was inflamed, mimicking the signs, pain and symptoms of heart attack.  He cant be definitive but the ultrasound and further blood tests will reveal the cause of the pain.  I ask why the rush to the hospital.  He said it was wise.  The symptoms and EKG all pointed towards a heart attack, but the disease I was experiencing was similar to the symptoms of a heart attack.  Though relieving, it still was not real.  With everything that just occurred, I was tired, had a headache, and just wanted this to be done. I ask Nicole to take Kira out of the room.  The doctor does the ultrasound and tells me that it looks good and he will return after the blood test.  He mentions that with my cold, and me not taking time for myself, that may be the cause of the inflammation.  He says he sees young men usually in my same predicament.  They think they can push through sickness and end up in my case or worse.

Alone now, I cry.  I see the crash cart and open chest kit.  It sinks in.  But without the test from some enzyme in my blood to signify if I am indeed in a heart attack, I just don't know what to believe or how to feel.  I text Jose.  I let him know they don't think it is a heart attack and that I love him.  I let myself have a few more tears and then text Nicole and Kira to come back.

We wait. Nicole and I exhausted.  I hear back from Jose. I hear back from David.  I have told my sister and she is in the loop of what is going on.  I am cleared enough to leave the crash room and go to an itty bitty room.  I am hungry, thirsty and tired.  I have zero emotions now and am just wanting to sleep.  The doctor comes in.  The test was negative.  I did not have a heart attack.  

I am being discharged.  The nurse comes in and the worst pain was her ripping the tape off my hairy arms.  Kira drives us. Home at one, I can't sleep, so I take in some Star Trek TNG and am in bed by three.

The next day I wake up at 11.  The sleep was deep.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck and relax on the couch.  I answer some texts and call my family.  My sister jokes that I am trying to one up her clumsy family with ER trips. The other jokes it's a broken heart and reminds me its national heart month.  My mom and dad, concerned, are glad I am alright.  Then it hits me (just like it is hitting me to write all this).  That was a very scary moment.  I am shocked at how well I handled  myself.  But today, realizing I was having all the thoughts and emotions but being at peace with it, how the hell could I be at peace of having thoughts that I might die.  Granted, looking back, my inflamed heart sac wont kill me (unless it ruptures as my sister points out) but at the time I didn't know what was going on other than my chest hurt like hell.  Why did only Jose make me cry and not thoughts of saying I love you to my family?  Why did I feel like such a martyr for work to work through a really bad cold which may have caused this in the first place?  Nicole calls. We are going to have lunch then go pick up my car from work.

I jump in the shower and then I lose it.  I can't stop crying.  So many thoughts in my head.  Why Jose? Why work? Why the peace of the night? Why was I trying to be so brave and not worry anyone or accept help even when the paramedics said you are sick?  I get out of the shower and look in the mirror.  I have seen better days.  My chest is hurting again, the pressure from crying and blowing my nose.  I get to my bed and on my night stand, Star Trek graphic novel.  A present from Christmas.  I fall to pieces.  Really really fall apart. I cant stop crying.  So I let that be.  I cried for what I went through and the emotions of the night that were coming out now.  I cried for love.  I cried for my pushing myself too hard.  I cried because the Universe bitch slapped me and made me face my mortality.  How can you accept that something is bad, something that  could have a negative outcome, and be at peace with it.  I am mad at myself for not getting emotional the other night. 

I needed out of my house.  I walk the block, slowly.  Two reasons; one so as not to be couped up and two, since my chest was still hurting just like Friday, that should I keel over, someone on the street can help me out. 

Nicole and I have a nice lunch at Tender Greens.  I admit to her I am not doing well.  Yes, my chest hurt (doctor said it could last for up to a week) and I couldn't breath from the chest cold, but emotionally, this was rough.  Nicole is a great sounding board, and we talked for almost two hours.  I didn't want to admit it that night, and I was trying to be brave, but the whole experience was scary and unnerving.  You become numb to what is around you, which is probably why I couldn't stop crying Saturday.  You know deep in your heart, you will more than likely survive your ordeal, but there is that small part within you that questions, what if I don't.  

Why Jose and not my family?  He was the only person I needed to reach out to that night.  I respect him and have love for him.  He is too much a part of my life.  Granted, we are not together anymore, and only recently.  But had I died, I would have not been a happy soul not reaching out to him to say I love you.  My emotions are unresolved to him, hence why I don't think I needed to reach out to my family or friends.  I am at peace with my soul and my life, and happy with who I am.  Those in my life know what I do, who I am, that I am happy and they are loved.  Nothing is unresolved with them.  So if I never spoke to them again, they would be at peace knowing who I was and that they were loved by me.  There are unresolved emotions with Jose. I know he knows how I feel to him.  But Jose is different, and with what we are going through, and me not knowing if I would make it out of the ER room fine, with a saw wound on my chest or my energy released back to the Universe, I had to at least let him hear it from me and say I love you.  I can take my time, and it will take quite a bit of time to work out those emotions.  Like I mentioned before, he is a great part of my life and there is respect for him.  As I take time to sort through emotions, I need to let it ride and let the emotions and thoughts happen.  And I will honor what this is.  

I was also upset, and really letting it get to me about work.  I was really sick Monday.  I should have called in and relaxed.  But I didn't.  I know I am replaceable and work will get along just fine without me, but I felt I owed it to Doug and my Team to be there to do what I needed to do to keep the ship sailing.  Had I taken the time off and played the role of sick; at home on the couch resting, this may not have occurred. Or, it would not have occurred to extent that it did.  Of course I took Saturday off.  Doug actually forced my hand and cancelled the interviews we had set up on Friday as I was being ambulanced off.  He knows me well enough to know that I may have tried to go in just for the interviews since this process of hiring takes such a long time.  And with Nicole, I actually had to debate with myself and her, why I should take Monday off.  Again, I had 7 solid hours of interviews.  My thought was that I would be sitting, not exerting myself, no harm done. Right?  Why am I not taking a clue from life when it knocked me on my ass.  Why do I have such a divinity to my job and try to be a martyr?  I don't have the answer to that.  Not today.  However, it is now Tuesday and I have taken the week off through Thursday after my follow up doctor appt.

Go go go.  I never liked the thought of just sitting and relaxing.  It is a hard concept for me.  To sit and not do anything is wasteful.  I still have that thought.  Sunday was hard.  I wanted to get going right when I woke up.  But after an hour, and feeling the lungs wheezing and chest pain, especially when reaching for milk and doubling over, I was soon convinced that it was OK to do nothing.  And I did. Really well.  And I was OK with it.

And the one that hit me only while talking with Nicole was am I going to hard to fast?  I moved out on my own almost two years ago.  During that time, and especially with the prep of ALC, I took the bull by the horns and really lived my life.  And I continue to do so.  But is there a point where you go too hard?  Maybe.  I have jumped out of my plane, took the diamond slope, work out near daily, contemplate getting a motorcycle, and bike ride at tremendous speeds to feel the rush.  Never once, have I taken a purposeful risk to feel a rush that would put me in jeopardy.  But is my desire to go go go, and taking that extra risk being moderated by me.  I think so, but again, had I not had the work through your sickness mentality, then this would probably not have occurred.  

So I sit here, day four of doing nothing.  And I am OK with it.  It actually feels really nice.  I have emotions and feelings to figure out about Jose.  I have put emphasis on my home life to make my cottage exactly what I want it to be.  I do this to prepare for those relaxing days at home to just be, even if it is just a couple hours.  I have not gone through work email at home.  If it burns down, there is nothing I can do about it.  I still let Doug call me, but am not getting vested in the day to day.  I will have time for that later.  I am listening to my heart, quite literally, and it still hurts.  My chest throbs.  And I am soaking in this moment to listen to what my heart is telling me, and I am responding.

Followers, back to you. And me.  Saturday was rough. Terrible actually.  I was bitch slapped and the after effects really are making me take pause.  My thoughts are varied and all over the place.  I can't figure it all out right now, and that is OK.  What is important is I am taking the signs dealt to me and taking time for me. 

Till next time (or when cleared by your doctor)
Keep peddling