This is it, I succumb

Followers, this is it.  My final post before I ride.  First, I must thank you for following me.  I know of some of you that do, others who secretly do and still others I have no idea of who are following this.  But writing this out started as an online journal for me to recount this experience, and to hopefully share one day with my family, children, lover, great grandchildren of this amazing ride I did or to answer to them, what was HIV/AIDS (one could only hope they will not know what HIV/AIDS is, or a blog....). But then followers, through comments and one on one dialogues, I know that some of these posts have touched you.  I went through a lot, a recap is not needed, we can just read the past posts.  But there are some moments I feel I need to get out, on paper.

I started this as a moment to do something greater than I.  I needed to do something that is beyond me.  Turns out, this ride became me, both good and bad.  I started timidly riding around the block doing ten mile rides thinking how damn proud I was of myself for riding so far.  Come 5 months later, I rode 100 miles in one day.  Now a 60+ mile ride seems long, and a century ride is a day trip for pleasure.  I became stronger, an athlete.  Kira, Ray, Emily, Danny and I would work out in he gym, building our endurance, core and strength.  For them I am thankful. Manny came along and became my weight lifting buddy, and friend. He pushed me to my limits, added mass to my frail little frame and also coached me in the fine art of saddle time.  I appreciate him and am glad we have become friends through this process. I also feel like I may have neglected friends.  Ellen, my best friend, her and I have not seen each other in forever, but through Blanch and this ride, got me through one of the toughest moments in my life, losing a loved one I never had the fortune to meet.  Ellen has been a rock, though mostly through cards and phone calls, but if it were not for her, some of the harder moments would have been unbearable.  I don't call my family as much, but I think they understand.  Work was an up and down roller coaster, damn that place.  But for all its grief that it gives me, it is not a bad gig.  I digress, I am verbal vomiting right now.

Needless to say followers, this has been so unique and interesting. I have gained so much, and learned more about myself, and have a new perspective on me and becoming more of a man than I ever knew possible.  I found love, both in an inanimate object, Blanch, and Jose, the most amazing man to walk into my life.  We were all there followers when he and I broke up, but you know, I could not be any more lucky a person than to have him in my life.  I do love him and will forever be appreciative for his support in this ride, both when I lost it and became numb and the successes that we celebrated in our lives, both him and I outside this ride.  I love you Jose.  I am proud to call such an amazing man, my partner.

Everyone, friends, followers, TRL's; you all touched me so deeply and I have developed new friends and bonds through this ride then I could ever have known.  I now have more than one lesbian in my life to call a friend :)  I developed stronger friendships with people who were once just acquaintances.  So to all of you, named or unnamed, thank you.  I appreciate you!!

I do need to call out David.  David became my ride mentor.  I appreciate him more than words can say.  He developed me into the rider I am, and also helped me grow a pair.  He picked me up when I was down, he slapped me when I was being petty or selfish, and kept me in line to being the person I am right now and continue to become.  So David, I cannot express how much you mean to me.  You are a friend, mentor, brother all wrapped into one.  Thank you.

So now that my acceptance speech for best blog is over, now what.

Well followers, can I say that I may have found Jebus during this ride.  OK, no.  If you know me, you know that Jesus and I have not much in common.  But dare I say I found a sense of spirituality I have never known before.  I found Zen, and found an inner peace that is amazing to have.  Many of you know that my father was in a bad accident a few years back and very well could have died, via a bear attack.  But he, through that process, found his moment, his Zen and lived his moment.  IN talking with him (and coming out to him, with more love back from him than I thought possible) I have come to find that I have always had Zen, God, Buddha, whatever very close to me.  But to be on a bike and feel that quiet, that moment, I have a new appreciation for what is bigger than I.

I sit here, nervous.  How will I do?  I will kick ass riding, no question. But what will I experience?  Will it be an emotional roller coaster? Will it be life changing?  I don't know.  I do know that this has been one of the most amazing experiences I may ever know.  I wouldn't change a thing, good or bad.  I am happy, and love myself and everyone in my life.  I hope that to you, my followers, you have gotten something out of this.  Maybe you are inspired to do something for yourself or others.  Maybe I know you personally and our relationship has or will grow from this ride.  I will know in less than 50 hours, once we are told to ride out.  I will keep you abreast, once I return when I post pictures and do a day to day blog.  This journey, it actually is just starting.  Wow.  I was called a hero by a friend.  I don't feel like one.  Just a man riding a bike.  But I will take it.  If I am a hero to someone, I will succumb to that.  I don't want to be a hero.  Just your average Joe doing what is best for his fellow man.

Today, I succumbed.  A friend said it best.  Release your intentions, expectations, hopes and fears.  Succumb to this ride, this journey.  Allow the universe to take you for a ride. Enjoy the journey.

To end, I must say, Ricardo, friend, dance mentor, hell of a man, you were gone too soon.  It was unfair that this disease took your creativity and amazing soul from this earth.  Please know that I ride in your memory.  You are not forgotten friend.  And with each peddle I do, I will count it out; 1 2 3... 4... 5 6.  You are my hero.

For now
Keep peddling.