Wet limp noodle 5.20 and Final training ride :( , :)??

Ahh followers.  Reading an out of order blog, lets say we left off at 5.19.12 at the end of the century ride.  My century, not the end of year 1999.  So Saturday was my fun and awesome century ride and I was beat, tired, hungry, and a little bitchy.  I was in a rush since I had plans that night to go to the Padres game with friends and needing to go and quick!  So Saturday night I went to the baseball game and got into a moment with a very important person in my life.  The moment and associated is for the pen and paper as I still respect anonymity towards those in this blog I blog about.  But..... I hurt someone; hurt their feelings, gave them my emotions, all the negative ones since I was so damn hungry for a hotdog and all I could think about was the damn hotdog.  So needless to say, yet again, this ride is screwing with my world.  I was pre-warned by close friends that this journey screws with your emotions and it can be hard at times to navigate.  True true. 

This was the most emotional ride for me.

It was a true noodle ride just 30 miles around flat areas.  I woke up, grabbed my bike, reluctantly, and went out.  David greeted me with the warmest of hugs and reminded me that this is the process. Is there truly a process to this I ask.  Is this emotional roller coaster part of the journey.  He says," just wait for it.  This is nothing".  Wait till your on the ride (oh great).  We peddle out.

We do a small lovely loop around the bay, my first time on this path.  Quite lovely.  I want to do this again after the ride with my Friends and boyfriend as it was an easy gentle path and perfect for getting others out on the road.

Then we go up the coast along sunset cliffs.  For those of you unfamiliar, this is a cliff area of San Diego along the Pacific that is just beautiful, quiet and Zen.  OK, here it is, Zen.  I let all the others pass me and I am alone.  I am watching the ocean, the waves crash around me. Seeing the birds, people, dogs enjoying their day.  I see the riders ahead of me.  I was alone, but I also felt alone.  I was  with friends, but I was beat.  Physically, my body is tired, I am tired, emotionally I am in a blender of emotions, all being jostled as I go through the day.  So I release it all.  Dad, I am in this moment.  Right here right now.  This is my moment, accept it, feel it and let it be.  Succumb to this present nano second in time.  I stop at the end of the road and take the pic below.

I sat there; David, Eric, Carin and Suzi are around.  I am leaning against the railing and see the waves crashing against the rocks.  It hits me.  I am alone and yet not alone at the same time.  I lost it.  Started crying.  I miss Ricardo. I cried for the ride. I cried for my body. I cried for my relationships with my friends, boyfriend, family. I cried for me. I cried for all those who walk the lonely path of living with HIV or who have been lost to it.  And seeing this single path staircase going to the ocean just reminded me of how I am walking a single path to a tumultuous ocean of my emotions.  And it scared me.  This is so much bigger than me.  How can I be a hero.  I can barely take care of myself.  I just got completely lost in emotion and did not know what to do with it.  So I cried.  I let it all out and had the ocean full of its calmness and currents take my tears.

It was then that I feel two hands on my back.  Suzi and Carin.  Just a gentle touch to say I am here.  It was the most welcome touch.  Suzi has some tears in her eyes. Carin strokes my back.  They get it.  They tell me that yes, you can fell so alone and not be alone all at once.  In the process of them comforting me, I loose my balance in my high toed backwards heels (cycling shoes) and start to go over said railing.  I laugh.  David says just throw him over.  It was awesome.  I needed the warmth of a human touch and the slap from a friend to say buck up, lets peddle.  Both were equally welcomed and needed.  So we do. 



I get my emotions back in line and we peddle.  I ride with David and it is nice.  David, the first person to really say hello from ALC and get me excited about the ride. David, whom I almost killed on our Century in February (not literally).  David and I started and are ending this training together.  I welcomed having him with me.  We chat, we bitch, we laugh, we are just bull shitting down the roads of San Diego on one of our last training rides, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  We get to the end of the route and part ways. 

Long work week and then the final training ride, 5.26.  So here is the scoop.  I don't really recall this ride, yet it was less than a week ago.  Here is what I do recall.  It was perfect.  Exactly the right millage, hills and intensity.  We had a nice steep down hill. New roads. Familiar roads. Torrey (of course).  I started solo and after rest stop one, met up with Tammy and finished with her.  It was just a pleasant ride all around and really just quite and peaceful emotions and body.  Tammy and I did do the inside of Torrey (my first time!!!!) which was fun and steep.  Well worth it though.  Yeah, I'm ready!  This is it.  I am going to ride to save lives.  This moment is happening.   And I feel like I am in such a good place!  I needed that crazy emotional weekend.  I think it got it out of me to focus on getting ready for this journey.  Tammy, thank you for being such a great ride partner.  I enjoy your company and talks.  Super fun to close it all out (the training that is) with you by my side.

Spent the rest of the weekend with friends and Jose.  It was nice.  An excellent weekend to just be, have fun and enjoy the company of those that mean so much to me.

Till next time,
Keep peddling!